The Idiot's Handbook to the Omniverse
by Red the Kid
Summary: Your comprehensive guide to all things relevant in the Omniverse. Ever wondered why the universe seems to love watching you suffer? Why your world doesn't have enough big breasted women or angsty, dark, men who are scared to love? Or hell, why it seems only places like Japan and New York seem to have world ending events EVERY. DAMN. WEEK. Well, read to find out dumbass!
1. Introductions and Origins

Chapter One: Introductions and the Origin of All Things

 _Hello? Is this thing on? What the hell am I saying, this is a book not a damn microphone. Well anyway, salutations! And congratulations on your promotion from Mindless Sheep to Dumbass Second Class after purchasing this fine piece of literature. Wait, you didn't buy this? Even better! You just earned yourself a promotion to Dumbass First Class! Two promotions in a row? Your parents must be proud. Unless you are one of those tragic hero types_ _._ _In_ _which_ _case,_ _I hope you're rich at least._

 _Sorry, we are getting off topic here. The purpose of this handbook is to elevate knowledge seeking individuals like yourself to the rank of Idiot. Because if Existence has taught me anything, it is that idiots have a tendency to achieve the impossible._

 _Before we get down to the meat of this book, introductions are in order. My name is...actually I don't have name. Huh. Well to make things simple you may call me N7Slayer-D. Or Slayer. Or D if you are nasty. Which ever floats your boat._

 _As for what I do, I am what you may call an observer. I know, cliche, but if you have seen the things I have in the glorious Omniverse you would be green with envy. But because I have seen so much, I have a tendency to forget events. To prevent this I have taken to keeping records of everything that goes on as it happens, I even video footage!_ _That's right I record_ everything _that goes on in the Omniverse, including the dirty things you people do behind closed doors (sometimes even out in public. Some of you guys can get real freaky out there.) What? I am not a pervert! This is all_ _for the sake of those who wish review such events. But who else looks at these records other than myself you ask? We'll get into that in later_ _on in this chapter._

 _The following chapters in this book will provide you all the information you need to understand how the Omniverse as a whole works while also giving you an idea of the major players are_ _. You know, so that you can determine whether you should either run away or look back on your miserable life that led you to the moment you fucked up royally. Now on to the very first topic of discussion._

 _The Omniverse. The very reason you even picked up this book. But what is it exactly? To put it simply the Omniverse is, well..._ EVERYTHING. _To be more specific it is the collection of every single universe, multiverse, megaverse, dimension (alternate or pocket), realm, and plane of existence. This even includes every single literary, television show, movie, urban legend, etc. ever. Every dream, fantasy, idea, thought seen or heard of including those that were not are present in the Omniverse. This is because all that things that were, are, or could ever be_ _,_ _are contained in the Omniverse*. And there is only one Omniverse._

 _Let that sink in for a minute. That means that you, yes you Dumbass First Class, are a part of the Omniverse. Trippy huh? While you may consider the world of your favorite comic or anime as_ _a_ _me_ _re_ _work of ficition, remember another reality may think the same of you and your's._

 _Remember that little asterisk a few sentences back? Well I may have lied a bit. You see, while the Omniverse does contain_ EVERYTHING _, at some point in Existence, a human named Kevin Brashear, son of the Blue Marvel, became the first and only being to_ EXIT _then_ RE-ENTER _the Omniverse. Just saying that makes my brain hurt. Note, this human is no one special. He doesn't even begin to register on the radar of the two most powerful beings in the Omniverse, yet somehow, this mortal was able to do what even they cannot. How_ _he_ _accomplished this is still unknown, even to me, because such a feet by the very definition of the Omniverse is impossible._

 _I_ _t just goes to show that_ _Idiots have a tendency to do the impossible._

* * *

 _Convention holds that all things have a beginning. Well convention can suck it, because the Omniverse was always simply..._ there. _It was Infinite before the concept even existed. The Unending Void, the Origin of All. Before, there was no life. No concept existed within the realm. That is, until something new happened in this Void._

 _A spark._

 _A tiny insignificant spark that seemed shine bright despite not having no conceivable source from which it came. This Spark gave life to the concepts of Light and Darkness, which then gave rise to a endless multitude of color that filled the Omniverse in a kaleidoscope. The Spark then became a Seed, and grew roots so that it may feed upon to the only things that had been around as long as the Void. The Aether and the Nether._

 _At the very same time as this was going on something else was being created. A being with no distinct form was born from the Infinite. It had no name but it knew instinctually that it had no limit to what it could do. It watched over the Seed and witnessed it grow from its energy sources. It grew into a mighty Tree with infinite branches sprouting from it's great trunks. And from these countless branches, worlds, universes, multiverses, megaverses, and so on came forth. Though some were incredibly similar, each was different from the last. And as life began to flourish in each the Infinite Being grew curious. As many of the life forms slept, they also dreamed which seem to be the catalyst for the birth of another inhabitant of the Void. But instead of being shapeless like the Infinite One, it morphed into some manner of beast never before seen. The Dreamt One first created a massive reptilian-like body with four strong limbs and a tail._

 _Next came the wings, and reminiscent of a bat's with the thin membrane hanging from each wing's spine. Then the scales. Row upon row of overlapping material that was stronger than any substance in existence attached themselves to the body of this imposing creature, making it seemingly shine in a bloody crimson. With this powerful armor came ivory claws that were meant solely for the purpose of rending flesh from victims, and razor sharp teeth that could only mean death to all who they clamped on to._

 _With it's metamorphosis complete, the Dreamt One opened its now emerald green eyes for the first time ever. It surveyed all within its gaze, before reeling it's head back to let loose a deafening roar that spanned the entire Omniverse. It roared with all of it's newfound might to let Existence know of it's creation._

 _The birth of the Dream._

 _The birth of the Apocalypse._

 _The birth of the Great Red, Dragon of Dragons._

 _Once done, the Great Red simply took off in a direction of its choosing and left the Infinite One alone. Once again the Infinite One was curious. It wondered what having a physical form would be like and so following in a similar fashion as the Great Red, but instead of a more grandiose transformation, the Infinite One simply gave it's shapeless mass of energy an asexual humanoid form with pointed ears and lilac reptilian-like eyes. It looked itself over a few times when it decided that like the beings that house themselves within the World Tree, it would need to give itself a name as well._

 _The Great Black? No._

 _Infinity? No._

 _The One Above All? Oh god no._

 _Ophis?_

 _..._

 _..._

 _Ophis will do._

 _And thus Ophis, the Dragon God of the Infinite was born._


	2. The Omniverse Hates You, Get Over It

Chapter Two: The Omniverse Hates You. Get Over It.

 _Hey there. Read the chapter title again and repeat it out loud five times. Once you do that, make it your personal mantra, your creed, your nindo, your ninja way, whatever. Because you will have a much happier life if you do. This chapter we are going to discuss not how to repair your relationship with the Omniverse, (because that is never gonna happen, trust me, I have been trying for what seems likes eons now) but how to keep your head low and avoiding eye contact like it was your crazy ex. Now on with the show._

 _Why does the Omniverse hate you? You really want to know? The answer is actually pretty simple. It is because you exist._

 _Now I know what you are thinking, but this doesn't mean you should go and off yourself. Huh? You weren't going to kill yourself? Wow. You are a lot more rational than I gave you credit for. Oh don't give me that look. Anyway pay attention, Dumbass First Class because this shit might just save your life...or prolong it for at least a few minutes. Hey, I am just being honest._

 _Back on topic. Your existence pisses the Omniverse off. Let's get something cleared up, the Omniverse is not sentient but it seems that even when it was just the empty Void it still had rules that governed it. But then life came to the Void, and aside from Ophis and the Great Red we have done everything in our power to break these rules. Think about it, look across the Omniverse and you will always find those who try to attain power regardless of the consequences. Individuals who have the arrogance to challenge Fate, and by extension the Omniverse, because they get a taste of power. It's likely that if the countless inhabitants of the Omniverse simply lived their lives according to the laws of their respective universes and not overstep their bounds, this wouldn't be an issue._

 _Through extensive research and investigation I have managed to uncover at least a few of the Universal Laws of the Omniverse. While it is unknown there more than what is listed here it is likely that there are in fact more, but they are far too abstract for even those like myself to notice. The following Laws have been discovered through evidence of recurring themes across all realms._

 **The Universal Laws of the Omniverse**

 _ **With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility.**_ _Come on now, you had to see this one coming. A certain spider themed hero had it right with this one, but he and nearly every other being doesn't know is that the meaning of this law runs deeper than what you might think. Power, all power for that matter, is a curse. The Omniverse tries it's best to shield its inhabitants from it because all those who have it will suffer. All who have power and_ use _it will suffer even more so. The degree to which they will suffer varies and doesn't seem to be dependent on the kind of power they have either. But it does seem that those with kinder hearts seem to suffer more._

 _ **To Make Better, You Must First Destroy.**_ _Progress can only be made by taking away what is old and does not work and replacing it with something new. Funny thing is most beings know this, but even then they resist it. From gods to mortals, change scares them and they will do anything to keep the status quo. The old adage "Change does not come quietly" comes to mind…_

 _ **A Contract Made, Is A Contract Honored.**_ _Oh boy, is this one heavy. Check this, you can the biggest most untrustworthy lying bastard in all of Existence and the Omniverse would not give a damn, but should you make a deal- any deal- you better honor it. Contracts of any kind, be they verbal, written, magical etc. are a serious affair. Saying things like "I swear", "I pledge" or even "on my honor" can quickly come back to bite you in the ass if you fuck up. You may think keeping your promises is noble maybe even heroic, but what happens when you promise something beyond your capabilities? While those who you promised may forgive you, the Omniverse will not and it will get compensation . You better just pray that the price isn't deadly._

 _ **There Will Always Be Someone Above You.**_ _This is pretty self explanatory. Essentially no matter how strong an individual is there will be someone stronger. And considering the beings that are out there, that is a very sobering thought._

 _ **An End Must Come To Any Beginning, And A Beginning Must Come After Any End.**_ _This ties in with the second Law. If it has a beginning then it must have an ending. There a very few things that are exempt from this Law, but don't worry because after every ending is something new. This is often called the "Cycle of Life" by mortals._

 _ **Do Not Fuck With The Great Red Or Ophis.**_ _Seriously. Don't. Death doesn't even begin to state how stupid a decision this would be. Remember that these two are the_ strongest _in_ EXISTENCE! _Death will not help you escape either of them because no matter which plane of existence you enter they can and will find you._

 _And those are the Laws that have been- huh? Oh shit! I have just been made aware of a glaring fact that I have over looked. I am sorry Dumbass, If I ending the chapter without informing you of this you would have likely died before you even finished this handbook. Look, there are a few phrases that are...shall we say,_ _ **cursed**_ _. So much so that uttering them in a conversation usually results in bad things happening to the one who said them. The reason for this goes back to what I said about individuals arrogance and the like. For the sake of simplicity we call them the_ _ **Cursed Phrases,**_ _and they are as follows:_

 **Cursed Phrases**

" _ **What Is The Worst That Could Happen?".**_ _Saying this is quite possibly the stupidest thing you can do because the exact worse thing that could happen in the situation that you are talking about will happen with 100% accuracy. It never fails. And what is worse is that it isn't always obvious either. The worst case scenario can actually be something so subtle that by the time shit hits the fan you will no longer be able to even salvage the situation. If you or anyone around you says this, then all I can say is begin clenching your assholes._

" _ **What Are The Chances Of That Happening?".**_ _Saying this increases the chances of what you are talking about by 70% at the next appropriate time. While this may seem benign as far as curses go, remember that in most cases of this phrase being used it was in regards to typically an unusual (often times deadly) occurrence just happened. All in all, avoid saying this before you find yourself being killed by a Tyrannosaurus rex riding a unicycle while juggling nuclear warheads. Don't ask…_

" _ **Come At Me Bro!".**_ _This one is actually fairly new but it is no less cursed. This is said typically to antagonize a person or a group of people. Once uttered, the chances of things going badly for you are raised 55%. This is a real gamble because most people who say it have low chances to begin with. Dumbass if you use this, at least have the excuse of being drunk._

 _Whew~ glad I managed to get that covered this chapter because if I didn't and you wound dead or stuck in some kind of temporal limbo, I would have felt terrible for like…an hour! That said, I'm sure you have violated at least three of these things I have warned you against. But that to expected, you're human after all. Or are you Kree? Hanar? Promothean? Cthonian? Ooh are you from Space Australia?!_

 _See you next chapter Dumbass!_

* * *

 **AN: Hello everyone N7-SlayerD here obviously. I thank all of you who have read this and especially those of you decided to follow this story. The purpose of this handbook is to give readers a chuckle but more importantly I wish to lore build. I have at least three projects that I wish to put out there for your enjoyment but for them to work I felt that I needed to establish rules for the universes I will be using and thereby make my own, plus this helps getting my feet wet with the whole writing thing. I already have the framework for a Dragon Age and Fairy Tail crossover set up and for those of you curious I am releasing a RWBY story soon called "Thrill of the Hunt". A character sheet for the characters that it will focus on what is posted on my profile now if you want an idea of who they are (that shameless plug in tho). I got inspired to even try this by a favorite writer of mine who goes by RebukeX7. The man can tell one hell of story for multiple fandoms, so check out his stories and show him some love.**

 **Review Response Time!**

 **Composcreator: First I would like to say my brain completely fried trying to pronounce your username, but thanks for the support hope you enjoy this chapter as well! XD**

 **Please Read and Review.**


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